Turbo (2013)

“Turbo” must have started from a resentful marketing meeting at Dreamworks, one where all the writers, animators, and ad guys took a resentful look at Pixar’s much-celebrated filmography and figured, “Let’s mash some shit up.” So “Turbo” is a “A Bug’s Life” crossed with “Cars,” the tale of a lonely garden snail (Ryan Reynolds, in voice, not a costume, silly) who dreams the life of a race car driver before an accident – he’s doused with nitrogen oxide from a hot rod -- makes him as fast as a lightning bolt. And it’s off to the races for him, his Debbie Downer brother (Paul Giamatti) on his tail, literal and figurative. Along the way, our snail boys meet up with two Hispanic taco vendor brothers (Michael Pena and Luis Guzman) who share a mirrored relationship, one dreaming big, the other always ready to down every hope. Let it be clear: I love that a major animated film stars American immigrant characters, but, really, taco vendors? Taco vendors?!? OK. Breathe. My nephew loved it. Does my Debbie Downer take matter? Well, yeah. The animation and voice talent (Giamatti!!) hit big, but this tale is as predictable as left turn, left turn… B

Corvette Summer (1978)

Luke Skywalker’s Corvette gets stolen!?! Wait ’til his dad finds out! Cheesy joke? Yeah. But much of the car-and-a-girl adventure flick “Corvette Summer” is cheesy and often ridiculous, most of the latter unintentional. Hamill -– 27 and post disfiguring crash -– improbably plays an auto-shop geek teen who has never sipped booze or kissed a girl. (That Hamill constantly looks rocked is remarkably not remarked upon.) The story: Hamill’s Kenny’s shop car beauty –- bright red, right-seat drive, killer flares -– gets stolen and ferreted to Las Vegas, and our boy hitchhikes his way to get the car and rip the bad guys. Along the way he meets a naïve girl (Annie Potts) yearning to go pro ho, gets mugged, goes homeless, bounces jobs, gets laid, and -– yes! –- finds his car. In perfect Skywalker fashion, Hamill whimpers, moans, and hyperventilates through every act. I wished Ben Kenobi to swoop in, scream “Shut the fuck up!,” and cut Kenny down. Didn’t happen. “Corvette” must be a prank on the hot rod genre: Guys, cars are just shiny metal, chase after the girl! This cannot be serious. Hamill himself is the best gag, intentional or not. B