The Tourist (2010)

How can a romantic crime caper set in Venice and starring superstars Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie as would-be lovers go wrong? That’s the real mystery of “The Tourist.” Because there’s not much in the subpar-Hitchcock plot, credited to the three brilliant guys who gave us, respectively, “The Usual Suspects,” “Gosford Park” and “The Lives of Others.” There’s an obligatory helping of Last-Minute Climax Reveal, but it’s more latter-day M. Night Shyamalan than anything in, say, “Charade.”

Look, I’m an absolute movie snob, but when I read the reviews to “Tourist,” I thought, “Guys, have some fun.” I wanted to like this. Jolie. Depp. Paris. Italy. This movie had instant classic written all over. But, damn, it never takes off, not even a bump, even after arriving in Venice for boat chases down canals, raging grandpa gangsters (Steve Berkoff), and more dumb cops than 42 “Keystone Kops” shorts.

“Tourist” gives us the genre basics -- an exotic woman and the common man go on the run from killers and police alike in a beautiful locale, falling in love in the process -– and fumbles fast. Aside from the ending I saw off the bat, the problem here is in the actual casting, and how the characters play out. Boring.

Jolie is stiff and strangely dull as a wealthy English aristocrat, lathered in more makeup than Tim Curry wore in “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Depp, in a surprise move, under-hands his performance as an American math teacher who’d rather stick his nose in a book than watch the Italian countryside glide by. He’s a wallflower. This must be some kind of joke, on the part of Depp, but only he is laughing.

Now, in these films, the couple is always supposed to meet cute and exchange banter that works on three levels –- mysterious, comedic and sexy. But, here, it’s flat month-old soda. The gut-ripping dump in “The Social Network” had more wit, and that was a heart crusher. See Frank Sinatra and Janet Leigh rip the world open in the classic “The Manchurian Candidate.” That’s a train meet-up. The talk here is cheap.

Now for that last-minute plot twist: 1) It pissed me off because I guessed it, and 2) It requires Jolie to be stupid. She may be many things on film: Kick ass, mean, tragic, and occasionally overly hysterical as in “The Changeling.” But stupid? Never. The script is insulting to her and us. One of the co-writers and director of this faux farce is Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, who made “The Lives of Others.” That film -- shocking, dark and beautiful -- is one of the best films of this past decade. But if this signals his Hollywood career, then back to Europe he must go.

This isn’t a total dud. It’s a great-looking film. The costumes and art direction are some of the best of the year, and Venice, a great city to photograph, is splendid in big-screen glory. It also has Timothy Dalton doing his classic piss-ant Brit act, whcih always is a treat. But, if you’ve ever been to Venice, you know the water in those canals stinks. And at 5, it gets high. People tip-toe around and jump over puddles and carry children to avoid the fetid mess. That’s the best advice I can give here. Run. Hide. Avoid. C+

Salt (2010)

“Salt” is a 5-Hour Energy Drink revamp of Cold War super-spy thrillers with Angelina Jolie as Evelyn Salt, a CIA agent who’s actually a Russian assassin tasked with doing in the U.S. of A. But, and this is no spoiler: She’s the hero. This is Jolie, after all, superstar and mother of no less than 14 children. Also, even with dozens of feds on her shoeless Soviet heels, Salt goes out of her way to leave her puppy with an African-America girl who lives nearby. Lee Harvey Oswald never did that. Oswald, by the way, figures into the film’s myriad plot twists and shockers, orchestrated by Phillip Noyce (“Patriot Games”). Yet all the “gotchya” moments are for naught. I pegged the real bad guy just by casting. Yet, I liked “Salt.” The action is wildly over the top but enjoyable, and Jolie is the match of Willis, Gibson or McQueen. One can always see the wheels turning behind her eyes: Dig the scene where Salt escapes from police, and she appears to plan every single move in one instant. And I'll take Jolie in action any day over sob stories such as "The Changeling." For summer flicks, this is good stuff. It’s high-time we get a cinematic female hero again. B

The Changeling (2008)

An opening title card of "Changeling" proudly proclaims "A true story." I didn't believe a second of it. The story: Single-working mom Christine Collins (Angelina Jolie) comes home late from work one day in 1928 and cannot find her young son, Walter. He's gone. She's distraught. Months later the police find a boy, but it ain't Walter. He's shorter, circumcised, has different teeth and has no memory of his teachers or friends. Christine flips. Big Brother Cop says, "Shut up! He's yours." Christine refuses and is tossed into a medieval insane asylum. Then a child serial killer is discovered. Whew. "Changeling" is a mess. No real people appear on screen. We're given a long line of simpleton characters that spew trite dialogue more suited to a crap 1930s radio drama. Or a day-time soap opera. Jolie's acting -- "I want my son back!" -- is unintentionally funny. Sloppy editing, a dozen drawn-out climaxes and an utter lack of any purpose skunk the film. The stunner: Clint Eastwood, normally brilliant, directed. WTF, Clint!?! D+

Wanted (2008)

"Wanted" is a ludicrous film and its plot might fall apart like melted butter on a second viewing, but this action hit is firing on so many cylinders, I didn't care.

James McAvoy is Wesley Gibson, an office drone with a heinous job and an offensively fat, cruel boss. He also has a whining girlfriend at home who's banging his best friend/co-worker. Wesley pops a dozen or more anxiety pills a day just to keep from losing his sanity. On Wesley's routine visit to the pharmacy, the mysterious Fox (Angelina Jolie) comes up to him at the counter, tells the man his long-absent father is dead, and that the killer -- the best assassin alive -- is lurking right around the corner. Guns explode, cars shed tires and gravity, and the game is on.

Wesley learns he is part of The Fraternity, a mysterious, ancient group of assassins who bring order to chaos throughout the world on the will of a mysterious weaving device. (Am I using the word mysterious too much? I warned you about the logic here.) Wesley, after a grueling training process, learns his main mission is to kill the man who killed his father. Morgan Freeman co-stars as Sloan, the Fraternity's leader.

Director Timor Bekmambetov ("Daywatch") creates a fascinating world that doesn't exist, but it should -- cars knock down and then drive over a bus, and bullets can be fired through insurmountable objects across the entire city of Chicago before finding their target. Oh, and the trajectory of bullets can be bent at will. (So that's how Oswald killed JFK! Finally!!) In one bravo action sequence, Wesley squares off against his enemy on a high-speed European train, which Jolie smashes into with her car. I laughed at the design of the stunt, the mind-bending action and myself for so thoroughly enjoying this nonsense.

The film doesn't have the grand scope and sheer brilliance of "The Matrix," but like "Face/Off" or "True Lies," "Wanted" proves that even the zaniest action film can wow your senses and make you not notice, or even care, if the juggler on stage drops a ball or two. B+

A Mighty Heart (2007)

"A Might Heart" is never dull, never less than moving and always earnest in its emotions and portrayal of politics and religious red tape in post-9/11 Pakistan, but it's also rushed and confusing.

It tells the story of Daniel Pearl, the "Wall Street Journalist" kidnapped and murdered by terrorists in 2002 as he set out to interview a (false) source. Angelina Jolie is Marianne, the wife of Daniel (Daniel Flutterman), who was beheaded in an infamous filmed action that burned through the Web more than five years ago.

Directed by Michael Winterbottom, the film is journalistic in its portrayal of the events leading up to and after the kidnapping. The politics and religious ramifications run deep -- most of the Pakistani officials seem worried about their reputations or dumping on neighbor India than finding Pearl -- and can be deeply confusing (putting on the subtitles helps), but that may be the point. In America, we live in a country that to most of the world must be in its horrible teenage years.

The political/religious/racial confusion is not the fault of the film, but are of our (my) lack of knowledge of the region. Much as we're told, America is not the center of the Earth. On location filing in Pakistan is the core reason this film succeeds, there's not much of a false note here and everything seems real. The poverty and chaos depicted in just a few minutes on screen open a door to a world I didn't know about prior. That's the beauty of film.

Jolie is great as Marriane, although one never forgets you're watching Angelina Jolie in an Important Role. She's lost that unknown quality. That may be the fault of tabloids more than the art on display here. But it hurts the film nonetheless. B